HM Treasury,
1 Horse Guards Road, London

Joshua Chambers

In a science class one Friday morning at school, I was learning about acids and alkalis. My teacher was droning on until I caught the end of a sentence: “…and why is today a particularly good day for vinegar?” All hands remained down until smart-alec Eamon piped up: “Is it because it’s a cloudy day, and so the ions are more likely to be positively charged?” We were all silent, but then our teacher replied: “No, you stupid boy. Today is fish ‘n chips in the canteen!”

Fish on a Friday has been a staple ever since the Catholic Church demanded a day’s abstinence from meat. Its coupling with chips was a later invention; and as far as I’m aware, there have been no papal rulings on mushy peas or curry sauce. Whitehall canteens serve all manner of variations – and I’m often peckish on a Friday lunchtime. So the stage was set for CSW to solve a great conundrum: which department does the best fish ‘n chips?

Each canteen’s fish ‘n chips will be judged on five criteria: fish (freshness, size and taste); chips (portion and taste); batter (crispiness and thickness); the surroundings (ambience, service); and the accompaniments (salt, vinegar, pickled items and drinks).

The Treasury was first up, and I found its canteen somewhat inhuman. It has the ambience of an airport hanger – all brushed aluminium and plastic chairs – while the serving staff were rather brusque.

Worse, the vinegar was hard to find, and the salt positively hidden. There was ketchup, tartar sauce and something that looked (and tasted) like grouting. It was, apparently, mayonnaise.

However, the outside courtyard was exceptionally lovely, and I sat under the dappled shade of a nearby tree. Joining me was a civil servant whose idea this was, and who wishes to remain anonymous; let’s call him Grevara Unkhurst, the name under which he’s written the tome ‘Desk Instructions for a Junior Civil Servant’.

Grevara’s fish looked better than mine, but both of us had fresh, large, well-cooked portions. And the chips were excellent – hot, soft, but not squidgy. In short, spot on. Yet the batter was a point of debate. I liked its crunchiness, but underneath it had a spongiform layer that was disappointing. Mr Unkhurst said he liked the different textures, but I imagine that if you ate fish ‘n chips here on a regular basis, the novelty would wear off.

And so to the scores. Fish: 4. Chips: 4. Batter: 2. Surroundings: 5 (when sunny). Accompaniments: 2. Grand total: 17/25. Next!

review, restaurant, canteen, fish 'n' chips

Last updated 217 days ago by Civil Service World